You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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