Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
