Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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