I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize