im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
