i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
