so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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