My Higher Power is John Stamos
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
