Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
