if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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