I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
