Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
