I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
