I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
