Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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