I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
