this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
