Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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