I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
