I'm gonna have a badass scar
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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