Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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