dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
