addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
