don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
