Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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