Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize