You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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