my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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