last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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