you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
