:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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