Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
