saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
