My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize