I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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