If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
