am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
