Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I skipped work to stalk him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
