If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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