I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I have tasted many bathrooms
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
