took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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