Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My pussy is not your playground.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
