So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
