so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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