Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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