I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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