Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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