What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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