I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
