I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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