I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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