So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
