The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You ruined the universe
Randomize