i permit you to call me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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