The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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