sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There's always time for handjobs
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
