my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
