I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had sex on a roof
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm too high and old for this...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
