Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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