i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
