That's when you crack a 10am beer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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