life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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